I’m going through a period of discontent and restlessness, which is manifesting itself as frustration, sleeplessness, fatigue, anger outbursts and lack of inspiration or creativity. A huge part of this discontent is stemming from my professional identity. Amidst the cost pressure of living and raising a pre-schooler, I felt like I’ve reached a juncture in my professional life to take a step back from 9 to 5. Yet, I have never been so scared and fearful for the future. Thus, I looked to the stars and consulted an astrologer to seek some clarity and solace.
Some might decry my move as silly (I suppose the logical step is to see my GP for a mental health treatment plan). In hindsight, I suppose I was seeking validation for what I had already known myself:
I am an empathic being with a creative soul that thrives when I’m in solitude, yet I am my own harshest critic. My inner critic and dampens my creativity, the hum-drums of life crushes the soul that yearns for freedom and open space. The fire in me is dimming, manifesting as fatigue and anger.
The consultation took an unexpected turn when the astrologer spoke about wounds and abandonment. Tears filled my eyes as we discussed topics of perfectionism and how that has affected my choice of career and parenting decisions. I was relieved that I was in the safe space of my sister’s home, where I could let the waterworks flow. My astrologer, let’s call her C, was empathetic, conservative and a great listener. I found myself opening up to her and displayed a rare vulnerability.
We discussed at length about my career direction, and it was clear to me that the time has come for me to follow my heart. However, things are easier said than done. Being the Capricorn that I am, following the safe path of 9 to 5, drawing a comfortable weekly salary, appeals to me. Yet, with a completely opposite sign in my Moon, the desire for freedom and creative career whispers and pulls me in. Thus, I’m in a state of tug-a-war with me and myself.
The signs are clear. In this season of my life, I’m craving ease and flow to recharge and keep my inner fire burning for longer. As I’m inching closer to burning out, C recommended a few ways to harness my energy:
Morning Pages by Julie Cameron are essentially brain dumps, three pages of writing done first thing in the morning. It’s a stream-of-consciousness writing. The point is to write every thought that comes into your head and hold nothing back—even if that thought is, “I don’t know what to write in these morning pages. Different from journaling, Morning Pages serve a deeper purpose: it is a cathartic, ritualistic writing process that clears your mind, builds confidence, and creates a path for greater creativity.
C recommended Morning Pages as a way for me to purge my restlessness whilst still inspiring me to channel my creativity towards writing…but with a twist. I should conclude my Morning Pages using a gold gel pen to write positive affirmations and words of unconditional love for myself. Not about my family, not about my work, but myself.
I’ve been doing my Morning Pages sporadically for the past two weeks. They are introspective and therapeutic. However, I’ve yet to experience peace, perhaps because my stream of consciousness has been interrupted more often than not by my son who is an early riser.
I divulged to C that I am at my most creative in solitude, in a literal sense. I create my best work when I am alone, free from prying eyes. The irony is I share a workspace with my husband, whose a social gamer. When the sun’s down and my son’s asleep, usually my only time for uninterrupted creative pursuit, the incessant tapping on his mechanical keyboard and mouse, and his constant chatter with friends on Discord drive me up the walls, disrupting my thought process. Over a period of time, anger and resentment bubbles underneath me like searing toxic sludge, waiting to boil over.
C acknowledged the easiest solution would be to ugprade my home, so I could have a dedicated workspace. We both chuckled at this, admitting this would be rather unattainable. Instead, I would negotiate and carve out some space for solitude, whether that is creating in a safe space (like my sister’s home), or maybe spend some time travelling solo to replenish my energy.
It is all well and good, yet I’m still resentful of why I am the one who has to make the shift and change. Only time will tell how this one plays out.
When C shared that my air sign meant that I had the tendency for my energy to be “all of the place,” I shared that I am so drained after being around people, and lately, even when I’m at work. C proceed to share ways to call back and protect my spiritual energy. This seem easy enough, which involves sealing off my spiritual energy and enveloping myself in a gold cloak whenever I’m around people. The powerful visualisation also serves to harness my creativity forces and set an energy intention.
I tried out this method last week when attending a wedding, which seemed to have its intended effect during the event. However, I was still completely drained the next day. It took me a two days to recover, and no, I didn’t consume alcohol or overindulge at the wedding. I suppose this is a case of practice makes perfect.
C shared that whatever transition I have been feeling, I am nearing the completion of the cycle and I should emerge from it soon feeling lighter and clearer. She sees me publishing next year, noting that January, March and July as particularly auspicious times to do so. I definitely hope for that, given this year has been difficult, to say the least. Perhaps change is never easy. I feel battered and bruise, but here’s to hoping and healing.
To be honest, I expected more divinity and woo-woo, but instead it felt more like a therapy session with a psychologist. I did emerge from the consultation with better clarity of what I need to do to pull myself out from the rut I’m in right now. If anything, I’m more aware of my mind and my heart.
Now, to do the work and step into my destiny…
Image source: Kaboompics